Farie's Cookies

Story Recipe

This is the strangest cookie recipe I have ever run across. It came to me from an odd character named Farie, who Frank found in the woods by Tiger Mountain. He was searching for mushrooms which may explain why he insists that he found Farie under the roots of an ancient cedar tree. Farie was short, stout and androgynous looking. Jennifer tried to politely inquire about the practicalities of Farie's sexuality such as what pronoun to use. Farie waved of her questions and asked to be directed to the kitchen. There, Farie untied a rainbow colored bindle and pulled out paper packages, jars and a small leather pouch. Cook provided a number of cooking utensils and step back to watch Farie work. An hour later we gathered around a plate decorated with celtic symbols. The plate was heaped with tempting looking cookies. We dug into the delicious treats while Farie hummed a peculiar melody. The cookies were tart and rich with bright notes of raspberry popping out of a base of lemon and cream cheese. Farie's song turned into a metaphysical path as the cookies kicked in. Frank explained that these cookies take every one on their own individual trip, so I won't bother to explain mine (As if I could capture the wonders that I experienced in mere words!). Making these cookies on your own is a challenge, but I am sure that you will find the process unique and wonderful.


Gathering the Ingredients

The elements for Farie's cookies are quite whimsical. Many of you will be tempted to use more every day ingredients – feel free. Not everyone can get to a Siberian wheat field on a winter night. Using Gold Medal flour will work, even as it takes a bit of the magic away. If you ever get a chance to prepare the cookies as described, take it! Until then, enjoy the great flavors and energetic buzz that standard pantry items will give you.

First, go to a farm nearby and find a female calf. Look for one with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. The mood of the calf makes no difference to the cookies, but it will make it easier to get along with her while you travel to the sources of the other ingredients. The key thing for getting the best cookies is that the calf have adventures in foreign lands. A cow who has an unusual past imparts some world wisdom into the milk that will work well with the weed in the cookies.


As for the weed, don't bother with the super strains that are available these days. What you want is an ancient variety grown in the wild. Farie's weed came from a plant found in South Africa in a deep valley carved by Limpopo River. Frank claims that he knows a spot in Eastern Washington where he can get a suitable plant. Unfortunately, he can't remember how to get there, so we, like you, are on our own to find what we can.


If you do find a plant, let your calf eat the grass around the plant. Make sure she does not eat the weed – she is far too young for that.


The next thing to gather is the sugar. I know that is sounds cliché to go to Jamaica to get ingredients for pot cookies, but in this case it is really the only option. A clan of Irish sugar planters there raises cane according to traditions passed down from Scottish giants. The white sugar they make captures the bright West Indian sun and the brown sugar is infused with the spices of the island. Collect ample supplies of each.


Your calf will enjoy swimming with dolphins or meeting a voodoo priestess. Of course, she would enjoy just about anything you do there – any type of travel is the greatest of novelties for cows.


On the way back from Jamaica, stop in Mexico for eggs, vanilla and cream cheese. Pick sources that are oppressed by official corruption. Pay extra to help ease the burdens of the people.


Do not let your calf out of site in Mexico. Many cows get tempted to run off here. While freedom is generally a good thing, a calf on her own in Mexico is more likely to come to a bad end than a well-cared for animal by your side.


Getting good flour is a big problem. The flour has to have just the right properties to give the cookies the right "Chew". Also, the flour with a good back story makes for a more creative high. You and your calf need to go deep into Siberia during a cold winter. Search for a Vogule village where the old traditions are preserved. Wait for a clear night when the Aurora Borealis provides the only light. Gather wheat from the flattest field you can find. Leave the wheat with the youngest maiden in the village to be made into flour. The maiden will separate the wheat from the chaff, sprout the grains, carry it to the mill, collect the flour in small sacks and ship it to you (Shipping by Mongolian horse is best, but rail shipped flour is acceptable).


Note that wheat is a type of grass. Let your calf eat as much of it as she wants. You will have to hide her from the villagers since they do not take kindly to animals eating their crops. It is polite to make a pilgrimage to a local temple and offer a prayer for the wheat farmers to make up for their loss.


There is a river bank in Oregon that is choked with raspberry canes. In the late summer, you can hire a Klamath woman and her canoe to take you to the best places to collect berries. Try to pick the berries that are almost ripe. The tartness of these young berries plays well in the cookies.  Put the berries you collect in a basket woven from thistle fibers. Take them to the top of a mountain and spread them out to dry. They are ready when they shrivel up enough to look like fuzzy raisons.


Calves have an irrational fear of canoes. You will spend much of your time comforting her. Do not neglect her at this time! I cannot overstate the danger of a frightened cow in a small water craft.


You will need the zest of a lemon to add brightness to the cookies. Call all of your friends, post on Facebook, put an ad in your hometown paper to get people to send you lemons from as many sources as possible. Hold each lemon in your left hand, close your eyes and open your senses. You will find that one of the lemons will stand out from the rest. This is the lemon to use.


Do not let your calf participate in anything to do with the lemons. Apparently, there is a traditional practical joke among bovines having to do with lemons that only they understand. Whatever the joke is, you will find that letting your calf get ahold of any trace of lemon does not end well.


The last ingredient is oatmeal. For some reason, there is nothing special about the oatmeal you use. Grab whatever you can find on your grocery shelf.


It takes a long time to get all these ingredients together. During that time, your calf will grow into a well-travelled, mature young lady. Introduce her to the laziest bull you can find for insemination. During her pregnancy, massage her coat with shea butter and coat her teats with hibiscus honey. When the calf is born, let it nurse seven times before milking the cow yourself. Set the milk in a cool spot until the cream floats to the top. While you skim the cream, sing Grateful dead songs to yourself. Farie said that in the old days, they sang Romanian folk tunes, but ever since Jerry Garcia passed, his songs have made a much better product. Keep up the singing while you use a cedar churn to whip the cream into butter.


That's it. Now you have everything you need to make the cookies.




Making the budder


Fans of Stoned Soup (www.stonedsoup.com) are familiar with recipes for extracting the active components from weed into a fat like coconut oil or butter. This extraction is known as "Budder" in the edible community. Farie brought budder along, but told me about a process with a few unique details.  


First of all, Farie used a ceramic pot to cook the budder. Into the pot went about 7 grams of weed and the covered pot went into a low oven (250 degrees) for about 45 minutes. Farie added a cup of butter to the pot and let it cool for a bit. While the pot cooled, the oven was turned up to 350. Then, Farie added two cups of warm water and put the pot back into the oven. In a short time the liquid in the pot was gently simmering. It stayed in the oven for an hour. After that, Farie pulled out the pot, let it cool until it could be handled without pot holders, strained out the weed and then popped the liquid into the 'fridge. Finally, Farie lifted the solidified budder off the water. It was a light shade of green and smelled like Snoop Dogg's living room.




The wet ingredients


Find a glass mixing bowl. Blue is best. Put the budder in the bowl and mash it until you can work it. Add a half cup of cream cheese and mash them together. When they are combined, add a third of a cup of white sugar and a third of a cup of brown sugar. Beat everything together until all the sugar is incorporated. Next, mix in an egg, the zest of a lemon and a teaspoon of vanilla. Mix well before setting the bowl aside.




The dry ingredients


Put one and a third cups of flour, a half teaspoon of baking powder and a half teaspoon of baking soda in a dented metal mixing bowl. If you do not have a dented bowl, you can improvise by taking a regular metal bowl and giving it to a teen-age boy. Send him out to play with the cow for an hour. The bowl should come back with several suitable dents.


If you use store bought ingredients, add a half teaspoon of salt. If you collected the ingredients as described above, there will be salt in the flour from the processing in Siberia and in the brown sugar from Jamaica.


Add in a cup of oats. Stir until the dry ingredients are combined.




Combine and Cook


Add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients. Stir a few turns with a wooden spoon and then add the dried raspberries. Keep stirring gently until the dough comes together. Do not stir a single stroke more than needed. Every whack develops gluten and will make the cookies tough.


Put the dough in the 'fridge while the oven heats up to 375 degrees.


Look for a spoon made from bone. Cover a cookie sheet with a piece of parchment paper. Use the spoon to scoop out little heaps of dough onto the parchment paper. Be sure to leave plenty of room between the cookies. They will spread out and the edges will crisp nicely unless you screw up and crowd the cookie sheet. You will need to make several batches.


Bake for 12 minutes watching carefully to make sure the cookies do not burn. When you take the cookies out, they will be soft. Carefully move them to a rack where they will cool and crisp up. Do not let anyone in the kitchen during this process. Cooling cookies are an irresistible temptation that are best kept away from grubbing hands.


Store your cookies somewhere away from children. Their young minds need time to form before being exposed to such things. You will find that your calf (Now grown to cowhood) will have no interest in the cookies. Cows that have been on adventures have no interest in cookies or mind altering substances.


Go to permalink

Submit to Reddit
Submit to StumbleUpon
Discussion 45